my insanity

Last night, when I was drunk, I PM’d Anne these lines:

you might find me sleazy,
for saying these words,
that would make you feel uncomfortable.

i know you’ve been ignoring me,
and i can’t blame you for that.
..i just want you to know..
my feelings right now.
i think, i’m falling.
i’m caught by your headshot.

i don’t know if this is real,
or just infatuation,
coz you’ve been an inspiration,
in this crazy life of mine.

forgive me for what i’ve said,
you haven’t known me that long,
but you can just ignore me and my feelings,
and all my insanity.

preoccupied thoughts

I have many thoughts in mind. Yesterday, my girlfriend and I broke up. It was so sudden. I know I love her and don’t want to lose her even if I have Anne on my mind. But what can I do? She wanted out? She said that she would want to change and have her own family (which of course, I couldn’t be able to give her). It hurts that I cried all day (even if I’m in the office ~ without them knowing it).

Earlier on the same day, I received an email from her (the one I was talking about the “dreaded email”). She said that her “caller” was her “kababata” that used to court her way back in HS. And knowing that he’s on the same country with her, he called her. And at this time, he doesn’t want to lose her again because they are both single (well, she is single because we’re not “open” about our relationship to other people). So, that’s how our argument started.

I decided to free her even if it’s against my will. I know it would hurt a lot. And I don’t know if I’ll recover soon because we are staying in one room remember? *sigh* At that moment, I thought of going to another country ~ away from here. So I could forgive and forget. Live life again although alone.

I wasn’t in the mood to go home last night, so I decided to meet a friend. Actually, she lives very far from my place. Though far, I decided to go there. At that time, I needed someone to comfort me and free me from thoughts of yesteryears. I feel alone. But everywhere I look, I think about her.

She’s my best friend. And yep, she’s my girlfriend. That is why it is very hard that I’m suddenly losing her. I can’t talk to anyone anymore. My hopes are down. I was about to give up.

That’s my life.

I’ve thought of doing other things to make myself preoccupied. To be able to bring back the life I had lost. To see things the way it should be. And to be a much better and stronger person.

I am looking forward for that day.

out of words

Remember when I said that if I could help myself from writing her back? Well, it didn’t work. I was supposed to. But something unexpected happened.

Early this morning, I received an email from my girlfriend. It says there that her family is her priority. And whatever what her family says, she would obliged. That she came here to work and so on.. It was painful that I cried. I know I love her and I don’t want to lose her even if I have this infatuation over Anne.

I had no other choice. I don’t have anybody to talk to since she’s the only person I’ve got whenever I have a problem. And so I post a message to Anne and told her my problem.

It was nice having someone to spit out your problems. And she was there, even not physically with me, but just there writing back. I told her my deep darkest secret. I admitted that I was gay. And she fully accepted that fact since she had had friends like me. For a moment, I was out of my “closet” because I know she’s there. A total stranger telling her secret to another stranger. I thanked her for being there absorbing my rants.

—

And now, I’m here at home posting this blog, with my girlfriend (who slept early) beside me. I also wasn’t able to do my usual morning call with her because of that dreaded email. We barely talked at all this day.

*sigh*

I don’t know now what to do. Should I free her even though it would hurt me? Ayokong ipagsiksikan sarili ko sa kanya. I know how it feels to be rejected.

confused

Last night, I had this feeling to have “kutchie” with my gf. But then, I was rejected. She just hugged me instead. Think about luck!

It felt bad to be rejected. So I tried to think of other things to make me feel better. And then I remember the girl (let’s call her Anne). What if she was the one hugging me tonight? I smiled. That felt better. I was just worried that I might dream about her and say out her name. *yikes*.

—

Today, I’ve got no messages from Anne. It could be a busy day for her just like me. Did I tell you that I’ve been thinking about buying her a gift since her birthday is near? Roses? Cake? But no. I couldn’t do that. They didn’t know. My ex-officemates didn’t know (well, except for one) that I’m gay. I know they would know if I do that especially that I’m a country away from them. *sigh*.

Argh! I’m having second thoughts if I should tell her what I feel. I think I’m falling. But I’m holding it up. I’ve thought of not writing back. We’ll see. Because I’m scared to take the risk. To lose the friendship that has just started. And I don’t know if she’s okay with this set-up.

That’s for now. I just needed to let this out. I’m confused.

PM

It has been a good day for me. I got a message from her. We’ve been “chatting” though off-line messages only. But it feels good. Because I was beginning to know her more.

I just feel different. I don’t know but my feelings are getting weird. I have a girlfriend here and I love her. It’s just that whenever I am writing to this “new” girl I feel kind of excited. I don’t want to misinterpret her actions that we might end up not really “talking” to each other. And I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to lose her. We’re just getting close.

Am I infatuated? I don’t know. Maybe, because we have the same interests? Because that is what I look for in relationships.

*sigh*

*silence*

sleazy

A continuation of yesterday’s blog…

I did get a reply. But it was too quick and on the spot. Basically her answer was just based on what I asked. She didn’t reveal anything about herself.. *sigh* hopeless case..

I think it was because of something I said which I shouldn’t have. Darn it. I unleashed the sleazy part of me. And I think that scared her.

Well, at least we did have a conversation. Think of the bright side.

And now, since I’m busy with work I can’t bug her.. (good for her). Just maybe it’s not meant to be..

caught by a headshot

Two days ago, a friend of mine commented on my site (in one of those meet-my-friends account). And so, I replied back. As I scanned her page I noticed her friend.

She looked familiar.. but there was something in her that would always take me back to her site. She’s cute, has a pretty smile, and morena. I wonder what made me looked at her over and over again. Was it because of … *geez*

I looked at her profile. You could tell she’s learning photography because of the pictures from her site. And it was confirmed when I looked at the captions. I grabbed one of her pictures. She could be my model since I do a lot of drawings using Illustrator. Hah! Yes! That could be it.

But I don’t know yet whether I’ll tell her. She doesn’t know me. This goes on.. for like two days.

And so today, this morning, I made a private message to her. But I didn’t tell her that I’ve grabbed one er.. actually two of her photos.. hehehe.. I just introduced myself first and asked that if she was learning photography.. blah blah…

And at this moment..I’m still waiting for an answer..

dream

I had a dream last night. I was with my brother, sister, sis-in-law, niece, aunt and my HS classmates.

It was very awkward. And I was very scared. My aunt told me that it would be the “end-of-the-day” so we have to welcome the “coming” child. The “Mary” she was talking about was my sis-in-law. And there was this baby (take note.. americana pa..hehehe) whom I assumed to be the “child”.

My task was to create a manger for them. But unfortunately, I was “attacked” by strange people who used lighters (ung pang-sindi ng stove? ung mahaba ung dulo? parang baril?) as their guns. Of course, I had to fight back… And there we end up firing at each other.

And so, as I was running around, bigla kong naalala na dapat pala tinutulungan ko ung auntie ko. So, I went back. But at that time they were already finished with the manger. And as expected, she was very mad at me. But what can I do about it? I was attacked.

It was a silly dream. But I was really scared just the thought of having those people close to me be a part of the Holy Family.

—

I don’t know what’s gotten into me.. I’ve always been dreaming about angels, spirits, and Holy people.. Maybe they are trying to tell me something. oh no…

If you know what these means.. please do tell.. thanks

my first

Hi to C&D, to all the rushers out there, and to all guests!

Welcome!

This is my first post on WordPress.com. I actually have another account on a different host (nainggit lang ako kay Chico for having his ever famous blog.. hahaha).

Whenever I feel being the other side of me, I post it here. I mainly post what I feel, what I think, my inner most secrets, my dreams and so on..

So, I guess you’ll be hearing ( i mean reading) more of me and my wild fantasies. wehehehe..